the beauty in solitude

The poet and singer Tanya Davis wrote a poem entitled How to be Alone. This poem explores the idea that being alone is a time to meditate and to exist without people around. She expresses repeatedly that being alone is not wrong nor proof that there is something wrong with you. I have a testimony. I used to sulk in my loneliness. Ten years ago, to be alone separated me from my peers. This very second I'm typing a post in a big chair for one in my favourite cafe. No plates. No cups. Nothing. Although I'm pondering a chai latte...we'll see.

Take Tanya Davis' lesson and use it. Look up the poem on YouTube, watch it and be moved. There is NOTHING wrong with just BEING in public. Find a place and commit to yourself.
BeGolden
Jahmal

....being blessed.

To Manifest - to accept and summon...if you believe it, it shall be.

Despite the hell that I've endured in this last week and a half, I've discovered a lesson. Without going into detail, this week has been horrible. We will all endure terrible weeks in our lives. Sometimes we think that we're not strong enough amidst the arrows slung at us. I believe we all have the strength to live on. I chose to manifest blessings recently and they've been coming. They will continue to come if I keep giving in to them.

We have the ability to effect our present in spectacular ways. We choose to feel better when we're sick. We choose to find things when we loose them. We choose to live on in spite of _______. We can also choose to be blessed, healthy and happy. Tell yourself to be happy and blessed and you will notice the beauty that arrives at our doors. Even little things...Waking up. Being among friends. Feeling safe. Life is full of magic. Choose to pluck it from the sky and use it to power your passage through life.

beGolden and Blessed

Jahmal

brownies and the super bowl...

manifestation - that act of controlling and "summoning"...

I'm not always hip to things. Sometimes I SWEAR that my day is going to be terrible when little things all around me are pointing the opposite direction. Yesterday, I started to feel sick. Frustrated, I cleaned and rested and planned on dying that day. I planned on just wallowing in my whathaveyou and letting the day go by. Then I was convinced to wake up, get dressed and start baking. We baked brownies, cookies and talked. I got dressed and we went out. I got to another friend's house and were started cooking. We brought food over to a party, shortly after. Mind you, this party is often pretty awkward between the extreme parental supervision and the sheltered private school students. Still, we went and had as good a time as we could. By the third quarter, I had consciously told myself that I was going to enjoy the rest of night. Then, out of the heavens appeared the only shape I pray to. PETERRR!!! He's my best friend and we met a year ago yesterday at the same place. We hung out for the rest of the party. We drove around till he dropped me off home. Great night, I would say.

We have so much more control then we admit to. Some of us reject our powers and go with the flow. I choose to make my own reality. If you speak, it shall be. I believe that if you give in to beauty and happiness it will give in to you. Give in. It'll make your life better. Give in to happiness and beauty.

beGolden

Jahmal

Luck is Fool's Gold.

delusive - giving a false or misleading impression...

My midterm period is over at last!! C: It feels good knowing that it is out of the way and such. I didn't do too well on my Economics Midterm, but I tried. I put a lot of effort into studying and focus and it didn't cut it. I suppose that that's life. At least I relied on myself and my abilities. A few people cheated. Some cheated more boldly than others. None were caught. What's worse is that some people left their success in the hands of luck. In the words of successfully "ghetto fabulous" girls all over, "boo, boo...no."

We rely on our abilities to accomplish little things. For example, we rely on our linguistic abilities to get us out of problems, to create opportunities, to comfort, to defend. We rely on our memories to move in the dark, to find our way home, to cook our favourite foods. If we relied on luck to move in pitch black, we'd fall and scrape our knees. Luck is for the weak-minded and the sloth. To get what we want in the word, we must put in effort. The world is equivalent exchange...What we put forth, we will receive and other similar lessons power our passages through life. Depend your abilities, work for what you want and make sure that you put in as much effort as possible.

beGolden

Jahmal

your lying eyes...

optical illusion - you should know what it means. If you don't, it'll be explained below.

I was sent a link to a page of impossibly difficult optical illusions. Some things appeared flat that weren't. In fact, they were very 3D and made you feel stupid when you finally adjusted your eyesight and understood them. Needless to say, this seems to apply to a lot of things in reality. Some things appear differently than they are until your eyes adjust. Some of us get caught in the optical allusion that life can be. We look at situations as if they were flat as cardboard when, in fact, they are completely topographic; hills, mountains, valleys and all.

Tilting your head just a little bit can make

all the difference. We let in more light when we remove our hands from out eyes. Try looking at it another way because some things aren't as flat as they appear. Try looking at it another way. It can drastically improve your perception of life, ultimately making you happier and making oth

ers happier in the process.

beGolden and open

Jahmal

letting people go...

traverse - to travel or move.

Of late, I've been obsessing over a friend of mine. Recently, he indirectly revealed to me that he often isn't in the mood to be around me. If I had known, I think that a conversation would have been had earlier. Alas, I didn't know. He ignored my calls I assume because he knew that I knew how he felt. He cut off communication all together. I'm sort of over it. I tried to cling onto what memories and good experiences I had with this person, then I found myself recalling the times that I didn't enjoy his company. Never have I felt so strongly that I needed to tell someone, but I have felt annoyed when around him sometimes. I suppose we're both at fault, but that isn't the moral.

Though it is IMPERATIVE to own what part you take in issues an so on, there is something to be said about moving on. If someone wants to leave your life, temporarily or permanently, let them. It's a waste of energy clinging to people who have no desire to be near you. Sure, at any point, my friend could approach me and ask for us to be friends once again. Then I have a choice to make. Do I want to forget and move on with my life, embracing someone who has the potential to hurt me, or do I acknowledge the emotions I felt during his absence and reject him. It can be seen as vindictive, but what's wrong with holding grudges. Sometimes, forgiveness doesn't mean amnesia. Think about it.

beGolden

Jahmal

How Hamlet Actually Changed me...

Faculties - an inherent mental or physical power...

I was watching the movie Coraline yesterday. Mind you, I've read the book like 4 times and

I loved it soo much. The movie, however, was crap. It looked nice, but it didn't follow enough of the book. They made a new character...he's black, quirky and awkward....yup. Anywho, there came a part when Ms. Spink and Ms. Forcible were doing an acrobatics whathaveyou. While doing so, they were reciting something. I looked up the line, "How infinite in faculties." Turns out, it's a part of Hamlet. Hamlet goes on about how great Man is. The piece is brilliant! If you want to, google What a Piece of Work is Man and read the whole thing. It celebrates humans and how beautiful and complex they are. Then, you might be compelled to think the following...

We are very incredible and complex creature. With our reason, our beauty and our faculties, we are a paragon, a symphony of color and perfection. Why should we be tainted by things so trivial as the artificial. Find your inner beauty. Find your inner paragon. Read Hamlet! : P Just kidding...you don't have to torture yourself. Still, believe in the power of your culture, your people and just people in general.

beGolden

Jahmal

An ode to one's self...narcissism or band aid?

narcissism - personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness.

Today, I was reading an ode to Imr El - Qais, an early arabic whore. The author wrote an extremely long poem about this man and his hoe-ish escapades. Needless to say, it was intriguing. As a completely unrelated comment/observation, the poem got incredibly hard to follow as Imr El - Qais began using simile to show his greatness. Very precise and interested images were made, but they were also really odd. Anywho, then I come to find that the author is Imr El - Qais. As an assignment, the class was to write an ode of one's self. Some found this exceedingly difficult while others started immediately. I didn't write myself and ode, but I started writing notes about the idea of writing an ode to one's self. Is this a narcissistic practice or something like holding a mirror to one's face?

Write yourself an ode. It shouldn't be difficult because it's YOU that you're writing about. It isn't egotism. It's just something beautiful that will help build your confidence. If you can write about your beauty, then you don't need anyone else to. Sure, it's nice to here it from others, but it's YOU that you'll have to live with forever. Know how beautiful and sacred you are. Write yourself an ode. Take a picture. Draw a portrait. Do it for you! It isn't narcissism...It's love.

beGolden

Jahmal

stop defining it all...

explication - a detailed explanation of something.

It started to snow on December 1st this year. As a result, winter had started. People had pulled out their coats and stocked up on wool socks and cocoa. Garth Fagan home-season started and the performances were nightly. People got dressed in their favorite clothes and others bought new things to rarely wear after. These events have something in common. They were the most predictable and expected events of December for Rochester. The snow always comes early and stays late. The Fagan dancers always rock the house receive the praise they deserve. All people had to do was watch these things happen and be happy.

Humans don't always function they way they should. While watching the snow fall, people were wondering when it would end. Already, homebodies were wondering if a snow day would come and when Christmas break was. While watching Garth Fagan's brilliant choreography, select audience members where wondering what each movement meant. Critiquing and pondering, I doubt these people were honestly enjoying themselves. Those who question the mortality of snow fall in Rochester will NOT have a pleasant winter.

What's beautiful about snowfall and Garth Fagan dance is that it doesn't need a reason. The beauty int he two is that it's beautiful. If you stop thinking and enjoy, you'll really have fun. I'm always moved by winter and dance because it isn't definable. It's movement and chaos and beauty somehow. Like poetry. Stop defining. Just be taken by the beauty, k? Start to feel and enjoy the place you're at in life. If you keep questioning and critiquing, you'll miss something. Everything can happen. Don't mess a drop.

beGolden and enjoy.

Jahmal

Critical Pedagogy...giving up?

renounce - to address one's abandonment...

My creative writing class is great. I have a passion for my craft, so, naturally, I thrive in it. There are people in my glass that enjoy writing and are passionate as well. There are others that aren't at all passionate about writing. It's hardening, to say the least. Some of us are discouraged from learning and writing because the room is a mess with meaningless chatter. It gets loud. It gets annoying. I approached one of my teachers and addressed the problem and suggested she just move the students around. Assigning seats would stop the comfort that we find in sitting next to people we talk to all the time. Communication would cease for a while because people are uncomfortable talking with people that don't normally associate with. It sounded like a smart a choice. She said no. Because we are a 12th grade class, she said, we should no better. I said, clearly we don't, seeing how everyone and their mother is talking all at once while we are supposed to be silently writing. She walked away and I sat down. It is now clear that there is a bigger problem.

After she left me she went to one side of the room and helped them produce some poetry. She suggested they read other poets and so on. They talk as much as the kids on the other side of the room. She didn't go to them though. They are more aggressive and more vocal regarding their dislike of our teacher. Perhaps in fear or some act of vindictive fury, she doesn't associate with them. She's given up on them and their education in the class. They will fail and the other side will pass because she has their "respect".

Education needs to change a lot, this much has been clear for some time. Part of it is hiring teachers that will commit to the students, their "customers". I've been told that school is a business...Let's treat it like one. Sooo many teachers would be fired if it was noticed how neglectful they are. The abandonment must end at some point. It must. Also, I'm a strong believer that race and social class affects education. It's a sad truth and it shouldn't be like this, but it does. The evidence is clear. Black and Hispanic youth dropout rates have been gradually increasing since the 70s. Statistics are out there...just look! People in the school system have abandoned youth and their education and it needs to end. Let's start with a discussion. Look up some articles! Google Critical Pedagogy! Send this post EVERYWHERE! Take control of your education and that of your children and friends.

beGolden

Jahmal

Music Be With You...Turn on yo ipods, yo.

sustenance - what keeps you afloat.

Last night, on the brink of sleep I launched out of bed, grabbed a pen and scribbled "Music" on my wrist in the dark. You could imagine that it wasn't too neat. Still, I had this epiphany. I have been amerced in portable music since this time 5 years ago. Everyday I listened to music on my walks to the bus stop or anywhere, actually. I've been developing new tastes and getting new music illegally and otherwise...sue me. Anyway, I really enjoy music and I sorta need it to get through life. I couldn't last without listening to my songs every morning and when I'm alone in my house. In fact...I'm listening to Looking Out by Brandi Carlile right now. I need music everyday! Don't you?

Music is the only thing that can pass into our thoughts without effort. It's something that keeps me afloat. I think it's a good practice to listen to music before you start your day. It sets the mood! I have friends that have dedicated their lived to music. It seems to be essential. Listen to music. Amerce yourself in it and let it take control. It's a good type of meditation, people! Don't just take my word for it...Go ask around. C: It's real!
beGolden and Jam a lil.
Jahmal

taking pride in you...

amour-propre - self love, respect and pride

Today I wrote something that I loved. I often enjoy things that I produce, but to day, in particular, I really enjoyed my short prose poem. Over the weekend, a series of play that young local writers had written, mine included, were performed by professionals. It was fantastic because we all have different styles and points of view. It makes the pieces individually beautiful and colorful. Needless to say, we were all very proud of our pieces. I friend of mine was struggling because an art project he had made was to be presented to a class of 30. It was a rattling thought, I'm sure. The idea of your work being judged by anyone is horrifying. But there's something to be said about being proud of yourself for the things you produce.

Here's what...Whether it's a play, a meal, a painting or a poem...It's something you put your energy into and for that you should be proud. Lots of people don't commit to doing things because they are afraid of being judged. If we all lived in that fear we wouldn't live as comfortably as we do. Ideas that have shaped our world would no longer exist. What kind of work would we live in if we were all afraid? Do it and take pride in your work. Your energy is worth it's weight in gold. Most of us are.

beGolden

Jahmal

the baby, the Iphone, the sore throat...

dilliance - waste of time/hesitation

I've had a sore throat for a week today. Yeah...See my excuse is that I don't get sore throats so I don't know when they're usually over. It hurt to swallow and I'm gay...people and their jokes...Anyway, the first message is clear.

Readers...if something is bothering, physically, mentally or emotionally...don't wait for it to get worse before you get help. I'm praying that I don't have mono! But I'm healing sooo...not TOO bothered anymore.

There's a baby waiting to be sent in with his parents. He grabs his mothers iPhone and proceeds to turn it on, unlock it and turn on some music. What the he'll? is right, my dear reader. This is beyond me for sooo many reasons. But don't think that he's a future tech wiz...he spent the next 10 minutes dancing to his gurggles, running in circles, quite literally, and slapping two strange boys he didn't know.

Are we too tech friendly? Have we distilled iPods into our children before morals or vocabulary? That boy couldn't ever speak! But he could put on blink 182 in seconds. Is this the new world? Looks and sounds like something to think about. So ask yourself these questions and let me know.
beGolden and wonder...
Jahmal

Halloween, Hail and Why You're Awesome!

Mettle - the capacity to endure...

Yesterday in Rochacha, it was a dim and cold October night. Just kidding...Yesterday was Halloween! Everyone scrambled to get their outfits on, they applied sweaters when needed and the super-Christians stayed in churches and swapped prayers and candy. The joy that this holiday brings people on. Kids get candy. Parents get exercise. Super power companies get money money money. Everyone goes home feeling good about themselves. Yesterday in Rochacha it hailed. "Trick or Treat!" *put put put* "OUCH! What the F***" Best 10 year old response to anything that I've ever heard. You could imagine that after such a catastrophe, men, women and children would march their tight asses home. NOPE! Candy is SOOO much more important. This is a little sad, dontcha know? But there's a little beauty in it, none-the-less!

If people can muster hail, rain and the likes in pursuit of candy corn and snickers, you can muster a lot. Candy isn't essential to living, and yet people would curse and trudge through wet earth to get to that house with the light on. Ring the door bell people! Get your candy. Endure the world in pursuit of the sweeter things. Nuff said. C:

beGolden

Jahmal

Scholarships, bad relationships and how they're connected...

Callousness - Emotional hardening...

So, I know a girl that enjoys her relationship in spite of how terrible it is for her. She's kind, docile and polite. He's a sloppy tart that doesn't treat her right. All of her friends know that he's trash. But she enjoys him...finds comfort in him. Come to think of it, you know her. She's hiding how much he hurts him, or not, and still sticks to him like glue, providing and caring for him while he sits on his ass watching t.v.

My mother has me applying to scholarships and scholarships and scholarships. It's tedious and I sort of put it off. I put WAY to much energy towards my other priorities. The scholarships are going to make my life easier in college. I'm working on them a little each day. Again, it's tedious and frustrating, but it'll help me in the long run.

Some things you just have to grit your teeth through and do it. It's often something that can help you in the future or needs, desperately, to get done. Other things, like sucky boyfriends, don't deserve such attention. Same goes for sucky girlfriends. If it isn't working and you find yourself cringing and wanting to scream on the regular, you might have to get out. There's no point in putting energy into things that you needn't. Conserve, conserve and preserver...unless you shouldn't.

beGolden and use your Energy Well

Jahmal

Joanna Newsome and why I love her...

pacify - to soothe.

I listen to Joanna Newsome. She's a singer that play the harp and, frankly, I believe she is the greatest lyricist when it comes to music since...I can't even compare her. I adore most of her music and I quote her all the time! She's incredibly inspiring and very poetic. There is one thing...She has a bit of a strange voice. It can be shrill and squeaky and I love her, but some people don't acknowledge her awesomeness because she sounds different. And I say, "But her words, she's awesome!" And you say, "But she sounds weird, ew." Guess what...There's a point in this! Joanna sounds "weird", but what of her words? What of what she has to offer? Do you get it yet?

People are all different and "weird" and they can sound "weird" and they can look "weird" and some stop their perception of people based on the surface. My voice, my body doesn't make me or you or anybody. Joanna is making THOUSANDS because people love her voice, her words and her SELF. You can do anything because someone can and will love you, your voice, your personality and all. God's work isn't done by god...It's done by people. (Ani Difranco)

beGolden and beLoved

Jahmal

Reach for the stars...Young Arts competition

aspire - to have ambition - a goal.

You hear everyone say, "I'm not doing (BLANK) because it wont do any good for me." A lot of people don't strive for some things because they feel as though they'll fail, ultimately not having achieved anything. This "why do it?" attitude is the worst! People! We have to try things despite those feelings! If everyone chose not to do something because it was hard or because they might fail, no children would be naturally born. Astronauts would have never landed on the moon...or did we?? O.O No one would graduate from high school or, god forbid, COLLEGE! Nothing of meaning would ever get done. I'm fortunate to be surrounded by a lot of progressive and inspired youth, though. Teens in my class submit to different competitions and a lot of us win things! I'm submitting to the national YoungArts competition. It's extremely competitive and very prestigious. I say, bring it on. It cost a little to submit, but, if I win, it'll all be worth while. Even if I get an honorable mention, that would be enough! But I'm reaching...You should too!

Here's what...Get excited, motivated and inspired. Do things because you know how it would feel to win. Do things because you know how it feels to just be apart of things! Put some elbow grease in it! Don't stop because you think you might fail...Strive to be the best. You might surprise yourself and others.

beGolden

Jahmal

P.S. Wish me luck!

The elephant...Forgiving and forgetting

Subdue - to overcome...bounce back.

So, I have a retraction to make.

A girl I once loved...no. A girl I always loved got on my nerves last week. I could have just let it go within the hour...but instead I stayed angry. Dear reader...Don't do that. Savannah is the biggest doll I've ever met. Quite honestly, I always thought she were prettier than most people in the school. She always was extremely smart and very articulate. I loved her most because she'd make me smile all the time...Day or night...Monday or Friday. She came to my birthday party two years ago, gave a card (i still have it) and a pendant that I lost. I found it on Friday. Poetry? I think so.

Sometimes the world is telling you stuff. The fact that I found an elephant pendant that I'd lost for two years right after a fight with the girl that gave it to me is a sign if I'd ever seen one. She's the sweetest thing on earth. I'll tell her that. People, here's what...Sometimes it's only righteous to forgive someone. Sometimes you're angry for no reason and why loose a friend? Saying sorry doesn't harm you. So say sorry. Be nicer. I promise you'll smile more and your friends will remember it. heh heh...elephants.

beGolden and forgive

Jahmal

For James pt2...of survival, hope and strength.

endurance - to live in spite of...

My friend James has lymphoma. That's the simple and direct approach. I've known him since third grade. He's not the greatest with people...He has difficulty communicating sometimes. It can take him a while to get points across. People picked at him since before I met him. It was difficult being one of his friends, someone for him to lean on, when I was a victim of bullying too, ya know? But I don't think I gave up on him ever. I've always helped when I was needed. I was always someone to talk to....someone familiar. We came into high school together. I feel as though we started to drift. We were on separate paths. I was developing into a less depressed, joyous, budding gay kid. He was developing into a more social person. I see him daily. I say hi in passing. I wonder about him. Ask about him. He's my friend James! We both could be called victims.

I always thought that James was stronger. He never let it show, whatever it was. You could never call him a victim, even now. I, on the other hand, tends to wear my emotions on my face. It's a bit of a challenge to keep moving sometimes when there is always something. There was always something for James, too, but he's stronger than I. Last week, Thursday morning, I found out that my friend has lymphoma. Just something else. He asked me to read a cycle of poems about it...I almost cried then. Not knowing what it was, I googled it. Cancer, right? I balled. I wept. I felt like the worst friend because I hadn't asked. I hadn't been there the whole time. Pitty...more. I couldn't do anything for him now, so I thought....Here's what...

Sometimes these things happen. You may feel as though there's nothing to do. There is something. Support. You can always lend a shoulder, a prayer, a hug....You can always support. When you see something you can do or help with....Do it. Just do it. For James...I know this is something unexpected and it could be eroding your spirit a little. You haven't let it destroy and for that I thank you. You're teaching people, all over the web, now, the power of enduring. You're one of the strongest people I know, James. Stay beautiful and don't let ANYTHING get you down. To all of you...This, too, shall pass. Stay strong. Endure.
beGolden
Jahmal

Perhaps I'll write it later...ForJames pt.1

Postpone - to put off till a later time.

Today I found out something that shook my core loose...literally. 8 tissues later, I'm sitting before a hissing computer and I know what to write....but I can't. Not till a little later. The wounds are still a little fresh and it's bothersome at the moment. I'll write it later because I need silence and peace first, ya know? So...Here's what.

Fuck the drama and the outside, highschool stupidity. I'd be waisting my energy to dwell on the moron's I'm plagued with when there are more important things to focus on. This week isn't the best. There is a lot to be bothered by, but life will go on. I'm thankful to have my health and my life. It's too short, people. Soak up all of it and drop the petty stuff. You will...I will still thrive knowing that there is love all around me and him...For James.

beGolden

Jahmal